can relationships work without compromise?
i tend to believe that compromise is needed to adapt to the needs of others for a relationship is a give-and-take situation. and compromise is what i have been doing for the past 12 years. but to what extent?
where do we draw the line? how much do we tolerate before we say “enough is enough”? how much can one keep giving if there is nothing to take or receive in return?
I know i am full of questions. that simply is the sate of my mind at the moment.
i don’t know what to do. my marital relationship is going down the drain. and it all boil downs to how much i am ready to compromise to make it work. i dunno how much longer i can tolerate it, how much longer i can act as nothing is wrong.
but at the moment, i can pretend (at least for a while) not to know that he is cheating behind my back because we are having a relatively good relationship on the face front. the moment he knows that i know, we will no longer be able to keep up this charade. i have known for over a month now and knowing is the hard part. i have had time to think about it and thought the wisest decision would be to weather it through as nothing has really changed in our actual relationship. but i have seen another twist in the story in the past few days - and i am shattered.
at times i want to confront him – demand answers. but at other times, i am scared of opening that can of ants. for, the moment it is open it will be hard to put the lid back on. i fear the unknown – of what will happen when the cat is out of the sack. i feel vulnerable as i am on a strange land with strangers around me.
during these past two years, never have i felt home sick as much as i am right now. i want to be back on my home land with familiar faces. i want a familiar shoulder to cry on 
Its already wrong that you’ve been keeping from facing the truth for the fear of change.
Get the facts. Your beautiful relationship has already changed. Face it. Believe it. Digest it.
If you don’t tackle the problem head on, you are not going to get any result from it.
From your post I get that you’re scared of change, and an potential breakup. I know that is something that you don’t want to believe at this point. You want things to be as they were. Go back to the arms that you are so fond of. I’ve been there.
You’re afraid to go out of your comfort zone.
Unless you come out and face it straight you’re not going to get anything out of this. Don’t be afraid to loose. You’ve already lost trust over him. Be ready to loose. Loosing him is not the end of the road. But you’ve not reached there yet, right?
Confront him. Get everything out. Yours and his side.
Take a few days off. It will hurt, i know. Cry as much as you want. You will figure out what you want to do.
When both come to your senses, meet and make up or break up.
I hope this helps.
By: al on November 26, 2008
at 12:23 pm
thanks al. those are comforting words. i do want to confront him and get things out in the air. but i am at the moment at a very delicate phase of my life. we are in a far away land. and if the confrontation goes all foul i am not going to be able to cope with it with my studies at its final stages and my kids to think about.
that’s why i can’t wait to go home.
but with still 2 months to go i guess i will end up confronting him afterall – really depressing
By: minr on November 26, 2008
at 12:55 pm
v all do compromise in relationships and i salute u for being sooo patient …i think u r making the rite decision to wait for 2 mths cos wen u confront him u wud need those familiar faces ..those hands to hold on..and ur own peeps to b beside u ..good luck!!!
By: dreamer on November 26, 2008
at 2:22 pm
Perhaps, his cheating is effect and not the cause? Most of the time, if you slowly rewind back in thought, you would have the answer within you.
When did you first doubt? and later thought, nah! it was nothing? Rewind back and you will have the answers in you.
Be strong and have faith to whatever outcome. If you are true to yourself, life will be true to you.
Good luck!
By: Perhaps on November 26, 2008
at 2:33 pm
Well, it seems you have spent a LONG time in this relationship. But believe me, you can’t go on any much LONGER.
Relationships are meant to be EFFORTLESS in the sense it’s a GIVE-AND-TAKE type COMPROMISE situation; it’s not a one-way partnership.
If one party feels this way, then the relationship is already over.
Just because you will feel the pangs of being alone when you get out is not something to be afraid of, but something to face, a hardship to be won, so that you will emerge a stronger person, and be ready for the next beautiful relationship that may be waiting around the corner.
You have to love yourself first and potential lovers will be drawn to you if they find you a balanced and happy person, not somebody who is suffering from that CAN’T-LET-GO “disease” which will lead you into a depression.
Sorry to be so blunt but just stating the basic facts of life as I experienced it. Might be different for others. Who knows.
By: Hilath on November 27, 2008
at 4:25 am
umm…. like… YEA!!! no relationship works without compromising. It’s either u or him. one gotta compromise for a relationship to work.
and it depends on a lotta factors. y are u compromising? what r u gonna lose if you confront? can u live without him? of course u did. you lived without him before.
and there are ways you can not worry abt these things. and i sure know ways that he can be insecure and start questioning you. i think u need to do those kinda things if you wanna make this work. it’s my secret recipe.
By: Simple Guy on November 27, 2008
at 5:00 am
totally agree with hilath on this one.. compromising is one thing and a one-way relationship another.. if you keep chickening out on confronting him about the cheating, you are in a way supporting him in what he’s doing..
i really hope everything works out for you.. *hugs*
By: dhondhooni on November 27, 2008
at 2:02 pm
thanks for the encouraging comments everyone. writing this has helped me and has eased my mind a little.
By: minr on November 27, 2008
at 4:25 pm